The Real Deal.

So.
Once again, I'm about to write about personal matter.
Skip this if you don't want to read me thinking out loud.

I know what you're trying.
I can't really force you not to do it, can I?
But you have to realize what you're doing to me aswell.
You have to realize, that you're just making this hard for me, for you, for us.

Or are you?
Are you actually helping me?
I cant tell, for I don't know.

Again, I feel like you have strings attached to me.
You two are pulling hard, and I cant really say who's winning.
And I'm starting to feel that more strings are being attached.
Are there even MORE pullers?

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what I want.
Once again.
Or I know what I want, but I don't know
what I want the most.


Maybe if I just crawl up on the floor and lay there, this will all end happily?

Maybe if I just, yell loud enough, the bad feelings will go away?
Maybe if I just were wiser, I'd know how to pick?
Maybe, I am not as clever, as good reader as I believe I am.


I don't know.
I really, really just plain don't know.

You have to understand what you're doing to me.
Someone needs to stop this.

Someone needs to stop this.

Someone needs to stop this.

End it.

See the Shards Fly

I could throw this chair off that window
Just to see the chair fall.
I could break the window
Just to see the shards fly.
I could escape from this room
Just to disappear from your life.
But I cant hide from myself.
I cant hide from the truth.

I could love you through life and death
Just to make you happy.
I could hate you through life and death
Just to teach you a lesson.
I could die right at this spot
Just to make it easy for myself.
But I cant hide from myself.
I cant tell you what I want.

Break the ice
Of my eyes
tell me why
I cant die
Break the glass
see me fall
save me when
is this the end

I could stop the rain if I wanted to
Just cause it makes me sad.
I could stop your lungs if I wanted to
Just to see you drown.
I could steal your heart if I wanted to
Just to call it mine.
I could cure the sick if I wanted to
Just to get your support.
But I cant hide from myself.
I cant tell you my future.

I could reverse the time
Just to see you again.
I could tear off all of my skin
Just to see myself bleed.
I could touch the twilight in the sky
Just to bring it back. I'll bring it back.
I could tell all of you that I'm okay.
Just to see you smile. Yeah you should smile.
But I wont escape the truth that I want to cry.
Yeah I want to cry.
I want to cry.

Break the ice
Of my eyes
tell me why
I cant die
Break the glass
see me fall
save me when
is this the end

I could break my bones to know your name
Just to know your name.
I could crash a car with my gaze
Just to see them in agony.
I could smash a telephone
Just to see the voices die.
I could fly through the sky
Just to get away.
I need to get away.
Need to get away.

I could throw this chair off that window
Just to see the chair fall.
I could break the window
Just to see the shards fly.
I could escape from this room
Just to disappear from your life.
But I cant hide from myself.
I cant hide from the truth.

Break the ice
Of my eyes
tell me why
I cant die
Break the glass
see me fall
save me when
is this the end

I could love you through life and death.
Just to make you happy.
I could hate you through life and death
Just to teach you a lesson.

Words. Useless words. Actions speak.

So much to discuss.

So little will.


I'm being pulled to different places.

I'm being pulled to different persons.

I cant really decide yet. But some people pull harder.
Actions speak. So do something, before others out-pull you.


And about happiness...

I'm on my way.
Yes, now I know it.




I'm on my way.

I'm loosing my grip.

Awesome weekend.

Awesome persons, beautiful persons, hilarious persons, perfect persons.

Perfect weekend.

Well, close to it, though it got me thinking as always.


I'm losing myself.
I'm losing control.

I'm doing things, I've never done before, I'm doing things for reasons I don't understand.
What am I doing?
WHY am I doing it?
Is it good, or is it bad?

I'm confused of myself.

Should I continue, not do anything and see where this leads, or fight it?

... Uhm... Help?

It's all smoke and mirrors.

Suicide.


Yes, you read right.

Suicide.

The most selfish, pathetic act a person can do.

There is nothing, NOTHING more annoying and just...

Fucksake.

Nothing, is more pathetic than a suicide.
Whenever you even CONSIDER commiting suicide, a puppy hurts its head.

Dont cause headache to the puppy.

But back to serious shit, dont.
JUST DONT.

I dont have to give you reason, but I will.

Have you ever seen a dying person?
Have you ever seen a girl, run with just pure FEAR in her eyes?
Have you ever been just, left watchin' as someone falls on her knees, with a knife on her hand, crying?

Yes, I have.

Those, are my reasoning.

If its not enough, you indeed, deserve to die.

Afraid of the Dark..? Nice.

So many friends, so little time.

So many troubles, so little words.

So many weaknesses, so little power.

These are what my days are made of.



I dont have much free time, long school days, hanging out somewhere, with my friends, cousins, just home.. I just cant be everywhere.
Maybe its cause I have too many friends?

Naaah, that cant be.
You never have too many friends.

Friends are treasures, each and every one of em. Im over social person, and proud of it.
If I make friends with someone, I tend to try my best to never let go.

Most of the time, I believe I'm succesful.
Even from the start of my new school, I've made so many new, good friends.

So, that leads me to my next subject which I have been thinking a lot of lately.

Happiness.

What is it?
What makes me happy?

I stopped for a second while when I was thinking about this and even now again when I am writing this.

I dont know what makes me happy.
Does love make me happy? Or just the person(s) that I love?

I feel lost since I just realized that I dont know anything about myself. Not even that much, that I'd know what would make me happy.

Don't I have goals in life?




Obviously not.

But hey, I got all the time in the world, dont I?





.. Dont I?




Please, say that I do.

Nothing else to say

Maybe its cause I'm tired and perhaps a lil drunk.
Or maybe its cause I actually care.

But that cant be right..?


I keep telling myself, there is still good left in the world.
I keep telling myself that there are still basic emotions left in me.

Not love.

No, love is not an emotion.

Love, is the physical need to protect the ones you care for.
You wake up just to be scared that you'll lose them.
I keep telling myself that I still feel that urge.
I cant honestly say that I still do. I'm not sure if I do.
Have I ever actually felt that way?


Week ago, I felt happiness.
A strange, new feeling.
New, or once forgotten.

And now its gone again.

But I'm not sad. Have I ever actually been REALLY sad?
I cant tell myself.

How can you tell if you do, or do not feel, if you haven't felt before?
Could there still be something left for me?



Now a little bit more of me:
I simply adore brown eyes.
I cant think of anything more beautiful, than chocolate brown eyes.
Eyes are the mirror to one's soul.

Look me in the eyes if you want my attention.
Look me in the eyes if you care at all.
Look me in the eyes if you dont believe.
Look me in the eyes if you want to see the things that I have seen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnkuBUAwfe0&ob=av2e

A fun run

So.

Let me just apologize to one of you.
If you read this, you know I'm talking to you.

Things got out of hand, but its better this way, right?

We both said it, didn't we?

I've always been decent with words, even good some people say.
Personally, I believe I'm somewhat word-prepared always and I have "The right words for everything"
Well, this time, I didn't.
I still don't know what to say.

I thought that I will be different.
No, you are different. But as I said earlier, its better this way, since we want different things, right?

So, maybe one day, maybe one day.

I'm looking down, now that it's over

To all of you who have affected me and my life.

Even those, who've broken me so many times.
Karin, Sandra, Kevin, Noora, Anna-Maria, Julian and others.

Thank you.

I'm thankful for what you've made me into.
I'm thankful for what I have become.

Once upon a time I said to myself: I will be different.

I WILL be different.

I forced myself into it, with a few bad side effects, but the results were good.
I can nowadays force myself to such things that I didn't once even THINK of being capable of doing.
Yet, I can do such things.

I know I haven't faced as tough challenges as many of you have, but bear with me, I have been carrying the burden with all of you, I have listened to you and I have been awake for many more nights than I can count, just trying to figure out how to help you.

One of these events lost me all, ALL of my dreams, other than those that include the same scream I heard one of you let out.
But, I do not care. In my opinions, all of will end up good.

All of these events have changed me and made me a bit better person.
So, I once again thank you for what you've done to me.
But, please:

Fix the rest of me, all right?

Never care for what they do

All right.
Im gonna talk to you about something personal, which you wont think is personal.

You know, its personal to me, but you wont get it.
You just wont get it, and thats a cruel fact.

Im gonna talk about such things as the Uto shooting and 9/11 or the school shootings in Finland.
No, these events didn't in fact to me, my relatives or someone I know well, but it made me think "What the fuck is wrong with us?"

I dont know what this sounds like, nor do I care.

Let me explain my points of view for you.

Us, humans, are all passive.
Especially the "Western" countries, which I would personally include Finland in.
We are passive and blind, untill something horrible happens.
Something horrible and big.

We wont do anything, or even aknowledge the bad things before this kind of accidents or events happen and when they do happen, we finally realize the bad things AND other things.

Example:
Finland's couple of school shootings.
Teenagers in Finland and probably all around the Globe are crying out for help for various things.
Depression, alcohol, bad relations and so on.

Still nothing happens, no help is offered for disturbed teens and the teens finally if I may say so, explode in horrible events. Others deal with them by cutting wrists and such, others go all the way to suiciding and the extreme would be the school shootouts.

I could talk about this all day.

I find this whole world sick. Each and every part of it is mentally ill, and everyone.

EVERYONE.

Will cause the world pain.
None of us will live with no pain. None of us will live without being hurt.

You just gotta find the ones worth the pain, and live with them.

Cause nothing else matters.

Everything must have a beginning

All right.

So I made a Blog.
Dont ask me why, I just did. Deal with it.

All of my texts, blogs, whatever you want to call them, will be written in english.
Again, deal with it or dont read.

I'm not gonna write these for YOU. I'm gonna write these for myself mainly, so I can one day look back at how ridiculous I've been. So I can laugh at myself and my desperation.
BUT!
I will tell you a little about me in my blog and what I've done or why would I make this blog public, eh?

I have no idea what I'm talking about myself either.

But anywas...

That little about me:
I like: Straight talk, chicken ceasar salad (<3), the sky, beautiful lyrics in songs, MUSIC IN GENERAL, Punk pop, Punk Rock, Rap, girls, brown eyes, beer.

I HATE: Spoiled brats, too rich people, losing someone close, betraying others, dishonest people, mushrooms, people who have something to say but they just keep it to themselves 'till its kinda too late... x.x